Saturday, 20 January 2018

Not so good January :-(

Its been a bit of a weird January for me so far.  I've been social but not as much as I have been recently.  Since the beginning of the year I've not been well and maybe that's why I'm feeling a little isolated and alone at the moment.

I've had the traditional cold that I always seem to get at this time of year.  But something else has been bugging me health wise and I'm not sure if its something going on in my head.  Someone suggested maybe I'm anxious which is causing me to feel off..

Though I've even been told by work that I don't need to be anxious about anything there.  They actually told me that they're very happy with my performance and I shouldn't worry.  I think its nice that they're actually concerned about me as a person.  And as previously mentioned about the performance, I've also been given a pay rise which is great.  Feels weird though as previous jobs I've had to ask and not had pay rises after 7 months in a job before which is cool.

Not sure what else to tell you, very quiet at the moment as I feel like I'm stressed for now reason and I need to get past that, but I'm struggling with that.  Maybe I'm feeling a little lost at the moment, but hopefully eventually I'll find the right path again.

Sunday, 31 December 2017

2017... I let you go.

Well it’s December 31st and it’s the last day of the year, the last evening before 2017 departs and 2018 arrives. It’s definitely been a year of a lot of upheaval for myself and I thought I'd just go back over the year as it ends.

So the year pretty much started as it has done with a relaxed and fun New Year’s Eve, because well in Israel it’s just a normal day and instead of nursing hangovers we're back at work in the morning... Well some people might be nursing hangovers lol.  Anyway I started the year still an English Typist, still feeling unappreciated at work and miserable in the job and despite my best efforts it took half the year for me to get out and get into something new.  There were times I despaired about leaving and moving on, that I would find something new and more challenging and that it would be noticed and I would be appreciated for my work.  Still it happened and funnily enough with Yom Haatzmaut Israel's Independence Day and the signing of a piece of paper I was ready to start a new challenge. Ready to start again.

It took another month but for the first time in many months I felt free of the burdens and being made to feel like I'm not worth much, I pretty much admit that my self-confidence isn't always the highest and sometimes I suffer a severe lack of self-belief.  But my last job certainly did a serious number on it.  Even now almost 7 months into a new job where I have been told by the Head of my department, that he and his Deputy are very happy with my performance, I still second guess myself.  I suppose that will never change, but if they are saying they are very happy with my performance so far then I shouldn't let negativity shine and believe their words and believe in myself.

I do however feel a bit like an outsider sometimes in my new job, heck in my social life.  At the moment it seems like everyone around me is married, getting married or starting a family.  And yes I love being able to see my friends so happy and meeting their little ones.  But I still feel alone at times, adrift in a sea of people and no matter how much I try to swim, I am just keeping my head above water.  Maybe 2018 will change all of that.

Still this year I did two good deeds and helped people find jobs, 1 person took my old job at the law office, although she moved on to a better and more suitable of her talents job and then funnily enough at a Friday night dinner I was talking with someone about what I do and that there were jobs going and through me she applied and she is now working in the same company and I think she's enjoying herself.  So maybe I can feel like I've done something worthwhile this year.

Maybe all the crap I've had to deal with is done and over.  Maybe 2018 will be different and everything I want will finally be there for me.  I don't honestly know as life is what you make of it, but hopefully it will be Oh, so brilliant.

Anyway Happy New Year, see you in 2018 :-)

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Almost 6 months

So its just a few days short of 6 months in my new job and considering my severe occasional lack of self-confidence in my own abilities, I'm still liking the work.  It does bring new challenges every day and new things that I have to learn and the people are cool.  I think they like me in the office which is good, I think having a nice office environment is good.  Especially as I have worked in some not so nice environments.

Apart from work, life is okay, been fairly social and managing to get out and about, still would like to get our more though than I have and I do feel a bit isolated from people and out of contact.  I feel like I'm having to chase people and apart from when I arrange stuff with people, most of my friends don't reach out to me at times and it feels bad.  Maybe I'm reading too much, everyone has their own life, but I feel with life I'm always chasing.

Meanwhile for 90 minutes every Saturday I'm getting even more depressed lol especially when I watch Football.

Maybe its the weather making me sad, but I just feel at the moment a bit adrift and alone, especially as I'm seeing all my friends meet people, settle down and I'm not there yet. 

Anyway I hope you all have a good week.

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

6 years on...

Well it’s been quite a ride, here I am 6 years later after I stepped on a plane at Luton airport on a cold Monday morning October 24th, 2011.  Hands up and I'm actually seriously interested from my friends in the UK and family who thought I wouldn't last 6 days or 6 months here.  Be honest, no judging.

The fact is in 6 years it’s been a hell of a bumpy ride, lots of ups and definitely a lot of downs, the question is would I change any of it? If I could go back in time to talk to my past self a few days or so before I got on the plane, would I tell him to not go, I suppose if you look at all I've done over the time here, you can answer my question.

As some probably saw I posted a status yesterday about work here in Israel and in fact over the past 6 years I've had 9 jobs, been out of work for probably about a year of that, I'm including the 5 months of Ulpan and 5 months from the end of December 2012 until end of April 2013 where I was unemployed and various other times.  So a lot of people would probably say if you had been out of work for that long period, in a different country, without family and only a few friends and not much of a social life, why not come back to the UK and find a job there, where you at least have family and friends around.  To be honest there were periods where in my unemployed time that I reached a point, so low that all I thought about was hopping on a plane and never looking back... I mean who wouldn't.  But I stayed, I kept trying and the darkest period for me was the end of 2014/beginning of 2015.  I had moved to a job in Tel Aviv in Binary Options!!! Doing customer service and because of changes in management I got the boot and it was a struggle to find work.  

I knew I was coming to the UK on Holiday in March 2015 and at that point, I wondered if I was coming back for good.  Fortunately or unfortunately I found a job at a law firm, which as much as a horrible place it was to work at... okay the people for the most part were very nice and some of them I am still in touch with me, even though I've now been gone almost 5 months.  But still if not for the job, I would have been back in the UK for good, so in some ways I owe that place a lot.

But after all the short term and bad jobs I've had, I feel like I've finally found a place where I'm doing good work and appreciated and liked by my co-workers, even if one of them does now run at the sight of me!!! Okay that's because our department wants him to do some IT work for us and he can't at the moment, but still I feel finally in a good work environment that I can stay for a long time...

Socially it hasn't been easy, but then I don't think it was ever that easy in the UK.  Maybe I'm wrong and maybe someone reads this and will feel upset, but it’s always felt like I've had to chase people to do stuff, that if I didn't reach out, it could easily be weeks before I went out or I saw people.  I think I've always felt that way, slightly invisible even among good friends, I'm the one that slips into the background and only noticed every so often, even if it’s because someone needs me for something.  But yep I'm still here, still trying to go out and I've made friends who do include me, but still it’s hard I'm at an age now where all my friends are either dating, married or married with children and it’s a feeling like I'm being left behind.  I'm not saying I haven't dated since I've been here, I have, but it never lasts, like I'm not the one they're looking for, but I'm good enough to kill a couple of hours, before they fade away like a ghost... still everyone tells me the one is out there!! Certain people tell me I should be asking my friends if they know people that I can be set up with... maybe I've not been dropping enough hints!!! Generally though socially things are okay, I just wish friends would sometimes reach out a bit more, instead of me feeling like I'm always chasing.

Living situation, since I've been here, I've lived in 6 places so almost like 1 place for every year I've been here.  I started off with 5 months in dorms, while doing Ulpan and that was fun. Then I spent a year in Rishon in a lovely apartment with a friend I made from the Ulpan.  It’s funny that when I was living in Rishon I was 15 minute’s walk from where I am now working, but at that time my jobs where in Tel Aviv or Ramat Gan and now I live in Ramat Gan and work in Rishon... it is funny how life goes.  But so I moved to Tel Aviv, spent 6 months in an apartment that I'm pretty sure if it was blown up, the dirt would still be there!! Then I spent 18 months in Ramat Aviv, a year sharing with Kylie and Kiki and then 6 months in the apartment on my own.  It gave me a taste for living on my own and for a year I lived in south Tel Aviv by myself and while the apartment was good, the neighbourhood not so much and finally here I am for almost 18 months in Ramat Gan and I like it, close to Tel Aviv, easy access to the train station and also buses to my office.  It’s a good location and I'm happy to be able to go to the park most Saturday's to chill out.

The fact is Israel has taken me, chewed up and tried to spit me out, but I'm still here, still fighting, maybe I don't have everything I would like, but I'm not going to stop trying and in answer to the question, would I change any of it?  Nope, bring on the next 6 years I'm ready

So read, comment, criticize, or just say hi.  I'm still here.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Hooray for Holiday

So as I promised, here is a blog about the last few weeks now that the chaggim are past and I'm settled in back at work. I'm telling you it’s been a tough week getting back into the swing of things with all the Jewish Holidays in the last few weeks and then the office being closed for 10 days.

Still it was nice to have a break, I never had time off between my last job and this one, just a weekend to rest and prepare so my last long holiday was over Pesach when I was in England so this was a nice thing to have.

So I started my holiday with babysitting, after over 20+ years since I last did this job, I did it again, this time looking after my little cousin Lev for my cousin and his wife to have an evening out.  It’s kind of funny that I actually can say I babysat for Lev's father as well.  But it was easy enough and although Lev woke up I was okay with it and they've asked me to do it again so I shouldn't grumble... maybe I should hire myself out as a babysitter as a 2nd job for extra income....

Following that I spent the first day of Sukkot down in Beersheba with my friends Derek and Melissa which was fun and nice to get away from Tel Aviv.  I had thought of staying till after Shabbat but decided to come back before hand, however it’s a good thing I did as I had accidently left the Freezer open since I left 2 days earlier. Luckily most of the food survived this accidental defrosting.

After a chilled Shabbat, I visited a friend in Ra'anana for lunch and a catch up.  Then over a couple of days I helped another friend out by taking a dog for a walk... again another idea for extra income ;-).  I also attended the Icon festival, visited Netanya and then it was the last of the Chaggim.  Following the festivities at the Tel Aviv International Synagogue, it was time to kick back and relax for the last few days of holiday which surprisingly were quite busy.

On the Thursday I visited with relatives on my Mother side of the family who were staying on the other side of Tel Aviv so it was nice to cross over Ramat Gan for a nice walk and a catch up with family I've not seen for a long time. On Friday I joined friends for Shabbat dinner and again it’s been a while since I had seen them so it was good to catch up.

Finally I finished my holiday with lunch with my Cousin in Tel Aviv and his wife and little one and his brother who was visiting from Rehovot with his wife and kids and it was short but sweet.  It’s always nice to see family.

After that I'm back at work and wanting another holiday lol. Still it’s nice to be back at work.  Anyway that's all from me for now, a new blog will be up next week as on Tuesday its 6 years since I made Aliyah, so I suppose I can do a review of my time here.  So stay tuned.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

3 month and a few weeks on :-)

So on my FB page I've been posting, promising to post a blog for a week or so and I guess I should actually do what I said, so here goes.

I think I kind of wanted to write about my 3 month anniversary at work, yeah people are probably going 3 months is nothing.  But for me it kind of feels everything, apart from it being the end of my trial period, it’s just another week, another day I'm in a job where I feel appreciated.  I freely admit I've never been that confident in my own abilities, a lot of time as my Mum has said people see things in me that I don't see in myself.

She has often said I should look in a mirror and say to myself that I can do it and I should do it as many times, as many days as it takes until I believe it.  Still it’s hard as I'm approaching 6 years in Israel, I realise how tough it has been for me to settle.  There are days I do feel like I've settled, then there are days where I feel like I want to run and hide. I'm sure that a lot of my fears and worry, especially work related ones are down to my previous place of work.  As people who know where I was and how tough it was, to now be in atmosphere where you send a report and receive a well done or constructive criticism on where you went wrong is such a difference, it makes going into work nice.  

I'm still learning, still finding my feet and I'd like to think people in the company are now used to me being around, going to find it a bit tough next week and 3 days after that as the next person up in my department is away for the Chaggim and I will be essentially acting as the deputy to the Head of the department and also I have to brief my fellow legal staff member who is returning from Maternity Leave.  So I have a lot of work to do coming up and my Mum is right, any time I feel like I can't do it, no matter how stupid or even if people can hear me, I have to look in the mirror and tell the person staring back that 'I can do this'.

As tomorrow is Rosh Hashanah I would like to wish my Jewish family and friends Shanah Tovah - May we all have a good and sweet year ahead.  

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Feeling Appreciated

It’s hard not to feel sometimes taken for granted, or a little lost or overwhelmed. Especially with something new.  And I am the first to admit that I have in recent weeks in the new job felt a little out of my depth.  Although after nearly 3 months is it still a new job, is it really just the job!

Anyway after all this time I'm still finding my rhythm there, but as I've probably written it’s so much different than my last place, then again anywhere could have been a lot different and nicer than the last place of work.  What has made it seem more friendly, more welcoming is when the Head of my department has asked for reports from me on something and if it hasn't been what he wanted, I haven't got back an email with 'garbage' 'busha' or sloppy and shameful and no explanation as to what is wrong.  Here in my new office I've received feedback and explanation of what needs to be changed.  It’s quite a turnaround to receive constructive criticism and also good positive feedback, whether in one case it was the head of my department walking past and giving me a thumbs up or walking past with a well done.  After the last office and the atmosphere there, I never believed I would feel comfortable in the job, that the last place had damaged my confidence in my abilities, but while I'm still learning and definitely still a little unsure of myself.  I feel more settled and it’s nice if someone is sending an email that my contributions are being noted.

Socially wise, I've actually had a nice and busy week, I was planning to be out tonight, but due to circumstances I'm staying in... Which actually sounds fantastic, so I can get an early night lol.  But my weekend has been really good as have most of my evenings this past week and it was nice for a change of pace to have a Friday night with friends instead of my usual stay at home by myself.  So thanks to Ronny and Dana for the invite.

Anyway, I hope you like reading and leave a comment please, please :-).